Today is February 29th, 2020, a leap year where we got 1 additional day, so instead of 365 days, we have 366 days, yay(?). It’s just like another day, nothing is exceptionally special. However to look back to the previous February 29th, which is 4 years ago, sure I’ve come a long way, I gain some I lose some, I experienced heartbreak but also not afraid to fall in love again, to the people, to the things I enjoy doing.
Let’s start with leap definition:
jump or spring a long way, to a great height, or with great force.
Sure, I bounced quite distant in the last 4 years. I was a lucky fresh graduate who got a scholarship in her first try, got accepted into 1 of the top 20 world universities. But I was also such a fool to think that I was competent enough to learn something that I was not prepared enough even at the basic level. I was fearless but also careless at the same time. Did I regret? Nope, sure it was a great experience and learning for me. I met a lot of great people, brilliant and passionate about what they’re doing, and it resonates with me up until now. I can’t say that I am fully recovered my confidence, but I always enjoy being in the school environment, I love listening to the lecturers to the discussions, and I love sharing little of my shallow knowledge. Simply put, I still want to finish what I started, I want to get my master degree. By writing this, I want to remind myself, that I still got the spirit, regardless of the self-doubt I now experience.
I also experienced a drastic change, from a single and free then becoming a wife March last year. Then less than a year, I become a mother, such a huge honor to get this responsibility. It’s been two months since I have been away from the office, taking my maternity leave. I used to think that I would do productive things related to improving my skill while these 3 months leave, but being a new mom while trying to be a good wife and daughter is super exhausting. Whenever I got my time besides breastfeeding, I wasted my time by scrolling through social media or simply just lay down on my bed, contrary to my initial plan. I always have these thoughts that I want to dedicate myself to be a housewife since I am growing up as a child of one, I always thought that was the right thing. But I also have this big desire and even my mom strongly opposed to this idea, she lived the life of a housewife and she thinks it’s not a wise choice.
All and all, I am writing this down without any clear closure, it’s just kind of my me time and I don’t really want to start working without actually trying to articulate what’s in my mind since I’ve been busy talking to an infant who couldn’t even answer (yet).
This post supposed to be finished and posted on 29th February but my baby is not that predictable yet, so here I am, finishing the post in a hurry, sleepy, and doesn’t even know how to finish it nicely.
Don’t get me wrong, I really love the fact that I am trusted the chance that I got now. Before I got married, the thing I always long for in having my own family is to grow up with the mini-me, since I don’t have any siblings, I really want to experience to live with another human who looks or think like me. I love my family so much and I would do or give up anything for them if needed. But somehow at the same time, I also love myself so much that I want to achieve things that currently sound implausible. I believe my family would always support me, but it is me the one who is not confident enough who has so much doubt and “want to have it all” that actually pressuring me.
I promise myself not to be too hard on myself, everything takes time, it’s okay to be slowly progressing. I know I will get there someday. Becoming a good wife, mom, daughter, team-mate, leader, student, or even lecturer someday. I will.